Posted in Angry, fantasy, feelings, happy, hope, joy, life, love, sadness, story, Thoughts, Women

S’entrer

“Sex and a cocktail: they both lasted about as long, had the same effect, and amounted to about the same thing.” – D. H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover

Comparison. you all may have heard about it so many times but the word comparison hold different potential to different people. Try to put this word in emotion; the feeling of love. It’s true that love can happen not just once but as many times as it is to be as nobody knows how many times you can find it and how many times people can make you feel less vulnerable and more joyful but the difference between all of the joy just comes from one person. It doesn’t matter if that person is not in your life or is he/she is alive or not. Some people assume that it is unreplaceable but that’s not true at least to come extend.

The first person have set the bars so high that sometimes the good ones who try to fit in left behind. They try harder and harder to be in the shoes or in the black silk Linen which was once wore by the first lady to get inside of it just to be felt good for not just for oneself but for the person one desires to be with it but is just that it? just to be inside of the same room or just to wear cloths where the fragrance of the skin still lies in it.

It’s not same for you but it is same for the person who is getting you in it. You are doing it for the first time not him/her and you have that constant anxiety of being compared and just to be surrounded by questions that you will never fit in and now there are secrets which people will whisper and you try to solve them but they are just the front door of the lobby not the back door exit of the other wing. The main person will try to protect you by hiding it but is it the protection-security you need? or it’s just makes you more curious?

You don’t need to fit in or to be accepted by most of the companions. You just need to be just the way you are cause the potential person has accepted you or chosen you in the first place not because of the similarities but for the uniqueness you have inside and that is what he/she is lacking behind in their lives. That is the main reason they want you desperately.

“Be the standard of quality in this world where excellence is void and unexpected.”
― Louise Philippe Dulay

Posted in fantasy, feelings, glam, happy, life, love, night, story, Thoughts, Uncategorized, Women

Girl with golden hair

“Destiny is for losers. It’s just a stupid excuse to wait for things to happen instead of making them happen.”

BW

Why do people expect one to be good all the time or to meet up with their expectations? Don’t you just want to breathe the fresh air and just let the oxygen come inside your body for once without being pushed to conclusions about something on someone? And when you finally decide to cut off the toxicity of people in your life then you see that not just you grow or glow, you just become more boring.

Yes, it’s true!

Like, please you cut them off and you are all alone at a certain point of time like the fun and scandals they are all just gone with a single click of yours. Well, I finally got rid of the people but what next? At once you tried to sideline people and become nobody and everything is now in the right track but you do have second thoughts. You have the (but) in your sentence. Like all the normal people I cut out all the negative branches and when finally tries to like someone or just wanted to know someone

Bam!!!

They let you down. Even though you don’t have expectations from people but it’s all the same story in a loop so then you become your best version of your self of losing up your mind and body. You go out and you dance, had a lot of drinks and you have the best time of your life. You do this not to be questioned by people why you do? You do this to make your self acceptable in your own skin. That is the point where you become IT GIRL.

And yes, destiny is definitely for losers cause if you are not making it then you are accepting it and which is beyond your potential. You have that potential. Don’t let anyone stop you. Parties and scandals are always the part of life which I keen to entertain because let’s just face it without a little drama your life is practically boring and with some sparkles, you are not just glowing you are just on a takedown mission or it’s just a game. Don’t worry, you won’t get lost in it cause if you are fond of it like me then you have nothing to lose or you just became the person who had already sacrificed everything and now doesn’t have anything to worry about.

Don’t worry people it’s all the sparkles you need.

XOXO

Posted in fantasy, feelings, fiction, funny, happy, hope, joy, life, love, story, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Flying Lanterns

“To belong to someone—I didn’t know it, but now that I think about, it seems like that’s all I’ve ever wanted. To really be somebody’s, and to have them be mine.”

― Jenny Han, To All the Boys  I’ve Loved Before

So, to all the boys I have loved before? It’s going to be a long list and in this blog post, I am going to talk about the first love when our eyes first gazed at him/her. Let me describe my first sight of a star that landed on the earth.

I was walking with one of my childhood friends, wearing a white shirt and a purple skirt with a combination of white socks which had purple straps on it and white sneakers. I have a Wizard of Waverly place bag with Selena Gomez’s picture on it, it was very heavy. I was surrounded by all these people, and my eyes just shut down, and it was literally in slow motion, but for me, it was like I have seen it all. My friends were talking about Sunday school, to those who do not know what is Sunday school well, it’s where till teenage you go to learn about Christianity. P.S I am Christian.

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Suddenly my friends mentioned his name and I was out of the blue in my winter wonderland without knowing that I am on earth surrounded by so many people. I saw his face, his hair jet black and his eyes were very mesmerizing. It was something that I don’t know just make me feel like I am in heaven like smiling and just having that butterfly feeling and I saw him walking, walking towards me. My heart had never throbbed that much fast and then puff, I reached my 3rd No. gate of Queen Mary’s School, Tis Hazari being specific. Orange color gate. I opened my eyes and it’s like a lifetime for me but it was actually just 2-3 seconds. Surrounded by all these girls. A speed bumper I was in the Girl’s School.

sshh! Can’t tell you all the story otherwise it’s going to take a long time so in short,

That was my first crush and I never had any crush on anyone except non-frictional characters. My point is never to forget how you can love someone without just being with them. I never loved him but that feeling, I never had before and at this moment as I am writing this; still doesn’t have. You have so much courage in yourself and that light in you that no matter how much relationships and no matter how much you have dated, it is that one thing that no one can take away from you because at one point you will gonna meet the right one that fits with you. In which you don’t have to change nor have to accept emotional abuse or anything that hurts your self-respect. At that moment you know that this person is The End Game.

Cause nobody can compare you to anyone cause for them you will be the gleam in their life.

Also the picture above I inserted in which Peter is saying to Lara that “I appreciate it, but it’s never gonna happen.” – This had happened to me with the crush I described it above. He rejected me.

“But the little things are what make up life”
― Jenny Han, To All the Boys i’ve Loved Before.

Posted in Angry, darkness, feelings, life, love, sadness, Thoughts, Uncategorized, Women

Poured my heart out

“My insides feel like they are crumbling like a towering JENGA game. I lose.”

That’s how my heart feels right now, crumbling! crumbling like a Jenga game. You know how it feels? it feels like every part of my body is aching, every blood in my body is dripping and I can feel it. I can feel the bones cracking and joining of it, isn’t possible somehow I see. My heart is throbbing faster than it throbs usual and my feet? my feet are cold like it’s touching the corner of the ice.

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I’m still feeling that while writing this open uncial to you. I want all of it, all frail had but I know it is not possible and it is not possible how weak I’m getting day by day due to this hurricane. I tried and tried to avoid it and to bury it and try to overcome it but it is not happing and day by day I’m losing myself and loving you doesn’t mean I ignore how I feel and I can’t sicken my heart as it is already been hurt and shattered into millions of pieces by the one I tried looking life in but you see, you can’t see life in someone else and it’s a way and a path in which you are the writer and the journey you choose defines who you are later in life.

and in front of everyone, I’m just pretending, pretending to be normal but the reality is that I’m crumbling and tearing my heart every day because I had seen things which you haven’t and that things weaken me from years and yes how can you know that? because I choose to wait and sit quietly and don’t speak to you ever again.

Years passed by and I watched you watched loving, caring and sharing things to the people they don’t deserve but I was quite and watching and watching. Now things have changed but I had watched so much that I’m scared, that I don’t want to get hurt anyone and I had once given the power to someone to hurt me and that just physically destroyed me. Every day is a battlefield as I woke up and think about you and later every day that thought that particular thought and you know what I’m talking about just come up every day and my body stops functioning properly.

I have seen so much today you know? of course, you don’t! I have seen how you begged for her and I have seen the tears and the efforts and I can’t just handle that anyone. I can’t hurt me anymore, I just can’t take it anymore. It’s too much for me and maybe I am not that understanding because I had understood too much.

“Doctoring her seemed to her as absurd as putting together the pieces of a broken vase. Her heart was broken. Why would they try to cure her with pills and powders?”

 

Posted in fantasy, feelings, fiction, happy, joy, life, love, story, Thoughts, Uncategorized, Women

True words

“Don’t be ashamed to weep; ’tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us.”

-Brian Jacques, Taggerung

I met this beautiful person name Katherine, she was tall I don’t know the exact height but she has cerise lips with hickory hair. She has a perfect combination of beauty which I have never seen and we started talking by introducing our names to each other. We walked down the street, talking and laughing. As we were crossing a coffee shop she saw a couple giggling and loving each other.

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She continues staring at them I was just looking at the coffee which was recently added in the menu card. I looked at her and said what are you looking at? she said them, that couple over there and I was like what about them? 

She said they are fools themselves loving each other as in the end, they going to be apart. I said, why do you think they are going to be apart? how do you know that? 

Are you not apart from him for 7 years? 

My jaw dropped and I was stunned. How did she know that? I met her just a week ago! how is it possible? she said, Oh, don’t worry honey I just know the misery of loving someone so deep and people just leaving and tearing hearts. You don’t have to be scared. I know because in the end everyone leaves and it is you who survive and fight for yourself. People will come like a wave and take so much back with them leaving you empty-handed. It is you who have to deal with it alone.

and..and… I murmured umm.. you know that couple over there will be apart?

of course love! Don’t trust anyone. Only yourself. 

Love-hate it’s just a fine line. 

I loved him and he still has a piece in my heart. Sometimes I don’t know. I just think about him and it makes me happy. The memories and fun. You know Katherine he was very funny and he always had something to talk about and just making the conversation more interesting. He did make me happy and made me laugh like no one has ever done. I smile sometimes, oh I do! by saying this I had tears in my eyes and she was smiling and looking at me and listening to me carefully. 

well, to prevent something of that happening again is that you don’t love again. It’s a wasteful thing, the time the energy isn’t worth it.

To this day I’m following her advice. So as I have turned it off. 

oh yeah, the couple broke up and how I know? I saw that guy with another girl and you know what I mean.

I have endured the worst time of my life alone. I don’t need anyone.If you are in my life, it’s because I value you and want you there.

Posted in Angry, feelings, life, love, sadness, story, Thoughts, Uncategorized, Women

Blue Jay breaks the cage

“I am the blood of the dragon. I must be strong. I must have fire in my eyes when I face them, not tears.” 

Who are you to say me I’m useless?

who are you to say me I’m not worthy enough?

who are you to judge me on the basis of my past?

who are you to abuse me every day?

Listening and listening and listening why should I be listening to you again and again, same and same.

You did something that made me felt hurt and trying to correct things right you made it worst! Don’t you see how hard it is for me to try and try and again and again but you seems so malfunction in your own! 

Lying and backstabbing you did; you should have told me that you lost your feelings!

Again and again, I have tried. Asking you to clear things up but you were caught up in your pride forgetting that I have tried.

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I tried to make things right but you didn’t want it as you are busy with someone else. I asked you if someone is there but again and again, you declined. Why have you lied? 

Wanting kiss from her as you have forgotten the taste of my lips. Not cursing you, not blaming you but realizing that I have made a very big mistake to ask you out in first place but also thank you for leaving me as I have now know my potentials and my strength that you had previously weakened me. 

Grateful of you that you had shown me another aspect of life and how people can be; thanking you for exiting my life as now as a Blue Jay I can fly high and high away from you and your negativity. 

“She’s an old soul with young eyes, a vintage heart, and a beautiful mind.” 

 

 

Posted in fantasy, feelings, funny, happy, joy, life, love, story, Thoughts, Uncategorized

21|20|21

“I can’t forget your smile
That thing that makes your face lite up
It’s a 100 watt light to the world”

And I saw him, his smile I mean and at this moment I know he will be with me and I am not adding forever in it but at this moment I just know he will be.

and I asked what? by smiling at him.

he replied, nothing I just like watching you dance and laugh and being funny.

and I replied with the smile on my face and staring as my eyelashes slowly blinked.

So, what next? 

there is no next Amanda. He replied there always a new adventure and a new day and the best part is you don’t have to be the same every day. The best part is you can change every day with every new situation and you will eventually discover your potential and one day you will find him or yourself and when you do just let me know it,  so I can prepare for the next wedding, sister.

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and you will come to my wedding?

well, I can’t be the best man but someone has to shoot while you walk down the aisle with dad and of course for Anna.

Anna is not going to marry you for the 30th time!!!!!

He replied, in your dreams Amanda.

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“She is a friend of my mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order.” 

-Toni Morrison, Beloved

Je t’aime Martyn

 

Posted in fantasy, feelings, fiction, happy, life, love, story, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Hey, Monsieur.

“There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.”     -Mark Twain

My forest brown eyes blink twice as I see him intensely, his punched color lips; combined with my blood color lipstick. His hands slowly remove my side hair bangs from my honey face. Coming close to me and looking into my eyes from his dark blue eyes, he smiles.

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He pushes me on the office table and as I lay low I see him removing his shirt slowly. His body was athletic. He comes towards me; holding my waist tightly he pushes me towards him. My legs crossed upon his waist as he unbuttons my favorite midnight blue dress. He ripped my hairband as my hickory hair gets down open to my chest.

His punched color lips touch my neck and it feels like a lighting thunderbolt just hit on the ground from the sky. His lips move downwards as my legs tighten around him; wearing my Ron Ron heels. Midnight slip from my shoulder and I can only feel his hands.

Miss Mikaelson?

Miss Mikaelson?

Miss Mikaelson!

yeah, yes.. yes sir?

Are you daydreaming in the meeting? 

umm… no sir absolutely not. I was just thinking about the presentation.

I hope so you were thinking about that only! 

Everyone! let’s get back to the presentation.

Tell your boss what you think about him, and the truth shall set you free,

from your job. 

 

Posted in feelings, happy, hope, joy, life, love, Thoughts, Women

Just not yet ready

“As an independent woman, you are not defined by your partners or your parents. You are defined by you. – STRONG”

So here we are again after so long I see. 

Some people think I just disappear but actually, I’m taking myself off these days. To know who I’m and what is that I’m capable of. No! I haven’t just vanished but yes I wanted to escape from everyone including friends, family, those who love me and I don’t feel bad to just get out of their lives but I feel relief that I can know to discover who I’m actually and what are my potentials.

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I had been living a life in which there were many people involved and I really don’t know how to thank them to be actually there for me but not everything last long. Shutting feelings to love for over 7 years, yeah that’s a lot of time and in that journey, I met so many wonderful as well as worst people and each gave me a lesson to learn and to get ready for what is coming for me next.

I discovered those who loved me; loved me by heart but at my end, it was always care and likeness and humbleness. I actually never loved someone, yeah that is pretty bad to get all it out at once. That’s why I’m taking chances to know about myself and to really know what I want. As of now I really like to enjoy my life alone as a true introvert.

I don’t know where life will be taking me or will I survive that or not but I’m ready to take chances and explore more about art and culture and maybe I will find any of you out there!

“She was beholden to no man, held her tongue for none, she would stand before the gods themselves and inform them of what they could do with their immortal souls.” 

Posted in Angry, darkness, feelings, life, love, sadness, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Raging fire

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

 

How do you feel? My therapist asked.

I feel nothing. I replied.

Are you sure, you feel nothing?

I don’t know. Seriously, I wish I could tell you but I don’t know. It feels like I’m dead from inside and the worst part is that no one knows and no one cares. I replied.

That’s life my darling. You just have to keep up with things even if you don’t want to! My therapist replied.

I feel to end you but somehow you ended me.

People will come and people will go and no matter how hard you tried to keep them if they meant to stay they will stay. Otherwise, they all are just stranger and they always will be. Sometimes I felt like I could just turn off my memories and feeling so that you can live without any memories of what you did to others or what others did to you.

We live in a loop of like, it’s like it never ends! Same things on repeat and same demons with different faces but somehow same situations.

I want to say somewhere: I’ve tried to be forgiving. And yet. There were times in my life, whole years when anger got the better of me. Ugliness turned me inside out. There was a certain satisfaction in bitterness. I courted it. It was standing outside, and I invited it in.

But she wished she had the guts to go up to him and say hello. Or possibly break his legs, she wasn’t sure which.

-Stieg Larsson