Her: A toxic Friendship

“Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow
Don’t walk behind me… I may not lead
Walk beside me… just be my friend” 

-Albert Camus

I can’t breathe, I can’t walk, I can’t speak, I can’t move my body. I can see her everywhere maybe she was my sunrise and my sunset, my sun and my moon and maybe she’s more than a friend. Is this toxic? me being in a toxic friendship? Standing for her whenever she needed but where was she when I needed her? some questions are never answered.

Don’t go with him! he’s not that worth! no..nope and never I won’t allow you, he’s out of your league! he will never go for you! are you kidding me he’s insane are you gonna be with someone who doesn’t have a standard of himself? are you serious? these were the only words I heard from her and I listen because for me she came first. It doesn’t matter who is there with me, but she should come first was the only agenda.

“The moment you realize your eyes hurt not because of rubbing them, but because of the tears you wasted, on him.” 

He asked me to choose between him or her and my head turned down not looking in his eyes no matter how much I loved him, I still chose her because she comes first. 

I’m in trouble please help me was my words and she looked me in the eye and said this is your mess, not mine. I can’t help you. Aren’t you supposed to be my best friend? I asked. I am your best friend but I’m not gonna get my hands in the dirt just to help you! My eyes were still closed, I still loved her more perhaps more than my family but she betrayed me again and again and again.

I need your help was her words and I was ready to turn the world upside down but as time passes I realized it was a one-sided friendship or I can say she has changed with time.

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Forgetting or not forgetting. I’m out of my mind.

She comes first. Always. That changed! she changed! 

I ended!

 

 

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Rebound: after realisation

“The only time you fail is when you fall down and stay down.” 

Days passed, months passed no one knows where she was because she doesn’t want to be seen, just to be left alone. She was angry not to be chosen again. Her throat was dry and eyes were craving for revenge but she realized what was it all for? Does he even worth that? Does he even value your feelings? or she was another flower he plucked.

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She got the courage to went back to him and facing him was like looking at a pig with disgusting face and mud all over his feet and face covered with how mean he was! She holds her feeling and the only words that came out of her mouth was how are you? He replied to her I’m good. It was a long pause after that. I hope you are having a good time with her, she said and stared at him. We are not together anymore, he said.

She hides her evil smile and the only words that came out of her mouth were you had got your returns in what had you invested and then she walked away by stepping on his ego and pride.

She was never been comfortable in who she was, but nothing could stop her from being herself again.

“Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.” 

Rebound: before realisation

“And at the instant he knew, he ceased to know.” 

There was a girl, big brown forest color eyes with faded pink lips and with hair color with blackish brown. She wore spectacles and her skin color was tan. Her height was 5’9 with the perfect pair of the tooth when she smiles. From childhood to teenage she used to like boys who were from as she used to call “high society” and by the high society, she means the richest of the richest, the hottest and the most gorgeous faces as you guys always saw in movies nerd and not so popular girl likes the hot and popular guy but not real life doesn’t show the happy ending as in the movies.

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So as every unpopular girl, she doesn’t try because the guys she liked were always way out of her league and when she got courage from her friends to speak up the “high society” guys turned her down and for real she never got a guy of  her choice and what so ever she gotten were guys who where selfish for themselves and not for his and her bound so in the end she always end up alone.

Here comes the weirdest part for her, she became friends with the “high society” guys and the guys actually liked her but the saddest part is she always assume them as a crush or liked them more than friends. She wondered how long will it last cause it was really hard to hold her feelings in control and she finally had the courage to speak up about her feelings but before she said anything the “high society”, guy told her something as he always told her when he was happy and a little word said by him stopped her for saying the truth. The word was you are the “Best friend” I ever had in my life. She stopped and smiled and the words that came from her mouth was me too. 

Time passed and she buried everything and forgotten everything but deep down she knew it was not right so finally, she has the courage to say it again and cleared her heart out. 

I never thought of you more than anything but my best and closest friend. I’m sorry but I’m with someone else (by someone he meant more hotter, open-minded and free-living and much skinnier and beautiful) I…I didn’t think about us like that. She was sitting with him at a restaurant waiting for dinner but her eyes filled up with tears and she held it and just left him on the table.

“She wanted none of those days to end, and it was always with disappointment that she watched the darkness stride forward. ”

Stamp on my hand:A childhood memory.

“Humans, not places, make memories.” 

You do not always seek happiness sometimes it seeks you or can say it seeks you always. Many people do remember their every childhood memory, like every detail of it and some of us or can say many of us remember some of it just like a blurred image.

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I remembered a memory, it is not blurry but it was a very child memory like can say very small and sweet like cotton candy memory. So, it was like my parental uncle came from Canada with his family and they stayed at my house so we decided to visit a Hindu temple just to see monuments and structures although I’m Christian I really enjoy visiting other Holy places so we went to that place it was brown old dusk color and everything looks very ancient and precious.

There was a pond kind of thing like bigger than that in which everyone was bathing, it was like a holy pond water to them. My parents and my parental uncle and his family were watching the architecture and as for me I was 5 or 6 years old and I was wearing an Indian traditional Lehenga. I was very tiny. As I was looking here and there I saw an old lady sitting in a corner and she had a lot of stamps and that stamps were not for the letter but for the hands. So I went there with my mom and that lady was putting the stamp in a red solution and that stamp was engraved with beautiful designs and then stamping on people’s hands. It was not the traditional Indian Mehndi nor anything like a tattoo. So I pushed my hands towards her and I remembered I said I want it too and I looked at my mom then and she smiled at me and put a beautiful stamp design on my tiny hands.

It was so beautiful and I still remember that how small things can bring happiness to one’s life even if that cost nothing in terms of money.

yes, we can buy our happiness with money but we can never buy memories and humbleness with money.

Dominant or submissive,which one are you?

” He gently handcuffed me to the parking meter.” 

“BYE”

who wants a mirror image of yourself in your significant one? doing the same things as you do always! Well, they say opposites attract each other and the same repel but what if the opposite is way too the opposite that you have never expected him or her to be? 

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who doesn’t like fun in the person they are seeking of? Everyone does deserve, someone,wh can make them happy and keep the romance and fun going even if they have to be dominative or submissive. 

Submissive: ready to conform to the authority or will of others.

Some people like their partners to be submissive, not only in sexuality but in the relationship too so that they can play the dominative role. They want their partners to listen and do what so ever they say without asking and questioning them just like slave and master relationship.

From submissive comes a word dominative which means having power and influence over others.

Some people like their partners to be dominative, who doesn’t want to rule the world? so they start with the person they love or not I guess in many cases.

In the darkness of my dark beating heart,I know I loved it,all right.

you see?

Even death has a heart.

So what are you to your partner or want in your partner? 

Submissive or Dominant?

As for me sshhhh… Keep guessing! 

 

Series within me.

“You’re not friends. You’ll never be friends. You’ll be in love ’til it kills you both. You’ll fight, and you’ll shag, and you’ll hate each other until it makes you quiver, but you’ll never be friends. Love isn’t brains, children, it’s blood — blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love’s bitch, but at least I’m man enough to admit it.” 

-Joss Whedon

Ever since I started watching TV series, I had been lately involved in every show I have watched till now. Not just watching involved it feels like I’m in it. Every show tells something about me that I don’t know till now. It connects me more and I feel happy like I have never been before.

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It makes me feel alive like I always wanted to be felt. I get attached to the series I watch. I usually watch Teen-high school-mystery-supernatural because I always wanted to live my life like that which I never had.

If I ever have the chance to live my life like that I will leave everything behind and never gonna look back or ever come back.I not only watch it for my entertainment but I watch it for my life because I see myself into that and for a moment I feel like living my dream life like I always wanted to!

Fantasy, fiction, supernatural etc are not just the things you watch for the entertainment but these all are within you and defines you in somehow it’s just that you don’t know till the time comes.

Tea-Coffee-Tea

“What do you want?”
“Just coffee. Black – like my soul.”

-Cassandra Clare, City of bones.

I’m a tea lover. Ever since I watched my mom and dad they always prefer tea.My mom usually drinks green tea and my dad black tea and for me, I prefer milk tea.I usually prefer tea over coffee as tea doesn’t have that much amount of caffeine as in coffee.I don’t have any grudges for coffee but coffee makes us so energetic and so enthusiastic that sometimes our body can’t accept that.

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During my exam days, I used to make coffee instead of tea so that I could be awake and study for more but sometimes brain does accept but our body doesn’t.Coffee can cause insomnia and restlessness.It’s the caffeine working here and also it increases blood pressure.It’s not that coffee is not beneficial, it is indeed.The caffeine that you get from drinking coffee can increase your performance and it also helps in burning fat.

Let’s talk about tea.

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Drinking one cup of tea a day could also help to reduce the risk of ovarian cancer, studies have suggested.However, the amount of caffeine is small and makes tea a healthier alternative to coffee but drinking too much tea can cause a painful condition in your bones.

As for me! I love both tea and coffee.I think both have different properties to get the work done with. I usually doge from tea to coffee to tea and this process goes on.

“Writing is a job, a talent, but it’s also the place to go in your head. It is the imaginary friend you drink your tea with in the afternoon.” 

-Ann Patchett, Truth and Beauty.